Biblical Quotes

Genesis – Chapter 14, Verse 27

“And Adam said to Joseph ‘Dad, sort of, I was playing around with Katie Hopkins name the other night, just shuffling the letters about, and came to find, it’s a perfect anagram… for the word cunt.’ Joseph nodded in acquiescence.”

 

Acts – Chapter 9 Verse 18

And Saul said to Peter after walking the road to Damascus, ‘Have you ever noticed how all personalised number plates spell the same name?… Wanker.’ Peter laughed and they bonded not only with mirth but also truth.

 

Luke – Chapter 7 Verse 16

“After Mary Magdalene had performed fellatio on her 14th customer that day, she turned to John after wiping her mouth and said ‘I see Angelina Jolie has had her ovaries and fallopian tubes removed. Okay, I guess that’s newsworthy. But can we do the same with Theresa May but have the whole cunt removed?’
John giggled, and said Mary, you really have a filthy mouth.”

 

Matthew – Chapter 4 Verse 17

“Whilst high up on the mountain with James, John and Jesus, Peter to past the time said “In my attempts to keep up with the general culture of the period we live in, I tie myself to a chair and watch 10 minutes of TV a week. This week I watched a show called ‘couples come dine with me’. My evaluation: Why don’t they just be honest and call it “Cunts that eat food”.

 

Judges – Chapter 2 Verse 16

“As the election approached Luke turned to Matthew in a moment of mirth and said ‘UKIP is the perfect name for a political party where you would need to have slept for 50 years of evolution to believe in their policies.’ Matthew smiled and said ‘Oh how the truth will set us free.”

 

Kings – Chapter 6 Verse 18

“While waiting to purchase wine and bread, Bathsheba turned to Nathan and said ‘Did you hear about that rape that happened recently, it was terrible. Basically, two guys, one white and one Asian took a young boy into a lift and raped him. Now being a mother of a child myself, I thought it was awful, disgusting and it shook me to the core… But it was nice to see the communities come together.’ Nathan smiled but held in his laughter as he felt it was perhaps impolite to laugh at such a joke in public.”

 

Job – Chapter 5 Verse 13

“As Job waited for God to set him yet another task he sat on a rock mused to himself about the morning that had just passed about how he rolled over and said to his wife, after twenty years, you know I still feel there is chemistry between us, to which she replied ‘yeah, cyanide’.”

 

Exodus – Verse 12 Chapter 4
“Much merriment was to be found in the house of Levi, And the Pharoah could be overheard saying ‘I met a retired porn star yesterday. I couldn’t help but ask how was it? She said it was great, anal was amazing and touching another woman just lit her up. It wasn’t until she had to keep performing fellatio that it finally left a bad taste in her mouth.’ ”

 

Jeremiah – Verse 3 Chapter 7

“Judah, as he watched the leaders debate and looked at the voting poll trackers, felt one of George Orwell’s quotes come to mind, particularly with the Tories in the lead: “All politician’s are cunts, some are just more of a cunt than others!” He exclaimed and felt the room grow suddenly silent.”

 

Song of Solomon – Verse 5 Chapter 9

“In ancient Greece, a place and period that we are so intellectually indebted too, they believed a long thick penis was considered gross and comical and so adorned their statues with small, petite penises. Now fast fast forward to the present and everyman has a huge ‘cock’, and intellectualism…”

 

Ezekiel – Verse 4 Chapter 9

“Daniel felt sad as he told his Noah and Job that ‘Albert Hofmann, the Father of LSD, died recently at the age of 102… surrounded by pink elephants in chocolate waterfalls under green and maroon skies covered in crystals.’ Then all three of them placed the tabs on their tongues and didn’t sleep for three days.”

 

Deuteronomy – Verse 5 Chapter 12

“Benjamin whilst standing on mount Gerizm that to himself “Sometimes I look around this world and it saddens me deeply. I see people fighting amongst one another regarding race and economy in this country. I read the headlines about the middle east in flames. See news footage about yet more people in power abusing their positions and abusing children. But nothing has prepared me for the news of Jason Orange leaving Take That… It was news of biblical proportions.”

 

Genesis – Verse 16 chapter 4
“Judith, while carrying child thought to herself ‘I’m in two minds about having an abortion, is this what’s known as a pregnant pause’”

 

Esther – Verse 5 Chapter 18
“Haman’s wife Zeresh turned her husband and said ‘we need to talk, I feel the love, the romance and affection has left our relationship and quite frankly, all you want is sex’… to which Haman returned. ‘Don’t be so ridiculous… I love you as a (w)hole.”

 

Corinthians – Verse 8 Chapter 16
And Paul leaned over to Jesus and said “You know, I have actually heard some men don’t go down on their loved ones or girl friends. That’s madness! I mean, I love eating pussy… Cliterally” Jesus put his head in hands and just thought roll on crucifixion